One-way Streets

I live in a metropolis. I don’t know what that is but, in my mind, it is a small town that got too big for its britches. Podunk has something that many small towns (pop: 100,000) would envy: a vibrant, revitalized downtown area. We also have all the malls, etc, that cause small towns to sprawl, but our downtown area is beautiful. You can walk down Main Street in the early evening and hear live jazz groups, solo guitarists, or hard rock, if you prefer, wafting out of the open doors. Several restaurants, like my favorite, Alexandra’s, have outdoor dining areas. Main Street: home of the Christmas Parade, St. Patrick’s Day Parade, and the annual Band Review.

We also have one-way streets. What are they good for, anyway? The street I have to take to access the parking lot at work is one-way east. Lots of miles spent getting west of that street so I could go “east”. And what about parking? We have approximately 20 nursing staff and 8 therapists who rely on those 5—yes, five—parking spots. Street parking is only for 2 hours, parking fine is $25.00, don’t ask how I know.

We try to help each other: whoever remembers that it is time to move his or her car, calls out to everyone else “time to move”. The announcement is followed by a stampede of health care workers, dashing out to avoid the “parking nazi” as we call her. Moving your car is an art; you have to see where the chalk marks are before you move your car, and then make sure they have moved when you get to the new parking spot. Chalk marks anywhere on the top third of the tire will get you a ticket, regardless of how recently you moved to that spot; don’t ask me how I know. All I know is that, if nobody remembers to yell out “time to move”, the city is going to make big bucks!

And the parking nazi? She is an urban legend—or should I say metropolitan legend? She has never been observed smiling, not even in her native habitat (somebody saw her in Wal-Mart once). NO excuse is good enough to escape a ticket from her. Nurses are really “sick” people and we have developed a theory about how they hire parking nazis: the candidate is forced to sit in a room and watch a video of puppies or kittens being abused; if they don’t flinch, they have the job! (Sorry, PETA, I made that up: I know of no such video).

In a world full of things that are out of our control, beating the parking nazi at her own game is a bright spot, at least to me. Another bright spot? Those stupid one-way streets! A couple of weeks ago, I needed to move my car. There was a spot open in the parking lot but the street in front of it is one-way EAST. Main Street is one-way EAST. I desperately needed to go WEST! If I followed all the rules, and took the long way around, I stood the chance of losing the parking place. I did the only rational thing I could think of: I pulled up to the one-way EAST street, floored it, and headed WEST about 20 feet into the parking lot! Grabbed my space and got out, pretty proud of myself. No harm, no foul, nobody saw what I did---except the three guys in front of the construction trailer across the street. They were hooting and clapping; I raised a clenched fist in response. No one-way street’s gonna get the best of this broad!

I walked inside the building, thinking I was all that and a bag of chips; then reality set in. I broke the traffic laws (oh, no!) without having in my possession either a valid driver’s license, or current license tags on my car. Both items were in my wallet, in my purse, at my desk, inside the building……….I can just see it now:

Officer: “Ma’am, did you know that this is a one-way street?”

Me: “But officer, I was only going one way!”

Officer: “Ma’am (why do they always call you that?), didn’t you see the arrows?”

Me: “Arrows? Hell, I didn’t even see the Indians!”

Officer: “Ma’am, may I see your driver’s license?”

Me: “Sure, officer, it’s right over there in that building!”

Actually, it probably wouldn’t happen exactly like that anyway. This is still a small town: I would know his parents, his sister, or his wife. We would have had a nice chat and he'd let me go with a warning.

I live in a metropolis……………………..