A Hooker, a Dead Dog, and Your Hair

We had a little get-together this morning for one of our home health agency nurses. She is retiring after almost 30 years of nursing, 20 of them in home health. We did all the retirement party stuff: a singing card, cake, banners, and gifts.

As we sat around a large conference table, an impromptu round of story-telling began. The retiree told about her adventures with a particular physician when she worked in the Recovery Room---three of us at the party used to work Recovery Room, so we were talking about other nurses that the group might know who worked there with us……

One of the stories was of the absolutely most naïve, clueless nurse I have ever met, and her “hooker story”. She was working in Sacramento, at a home health agency, and stopped at a Jack-In-the-Box to have some iced tea and do her charting. It got kinda noisy in the restaurant so she went out and sat in her car. She was writing away, charting about her patient, when a young woman knocked on her car window.

The young woman told her that she had been “stranded” there and needed a ride. Her question: “how far?” The young woman told her it was just three blocks, so she let her in the car. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, she noticed that the young woman was wearing “hot pants” and fish-net stockings, and stiletto black suede heels. And, exclaimed: “her shoes matched her purse!”

It seems the three block ride turned into seven blocks but, the ride did finally end. The next day she said, she saw the same young woman the next day, on a street corner and “was wearing the same clothes!” Her sweet face was dominated by her great big brown eyes as she told the story. We laughed until we cried as I had recounted her story!

Not to be outdone, another member of the party reprised a dog story of one of the other nurses she had known. The nurse went to see an elderly man in his home on the south side of Podunk. The little old man and his wife were quite charming. They invited her to sit on the couch, next to their German shepherd. She likes dogs so, she didn’t mind sharing the couch with the dog. As she was asking the necessary questions, it became obvious to her that the dog was not moving. Not moving at all. “Is the dog all right?” she asked. The elderly couple allowed as how the dog had been kinda “quiet” for the past day or two.

Trying hard to go unnoticed, she reached her hand out to pet the dog. He was cold and stiff. She spent the next hour completing the admission review with the sweet little old couple, and arguing with herself, internally: should I tell them the dog is dead? Can they handle that information? Finally, she asked how long they had had the dog. The husband told her that it was actually their son’s dog and he (the son) was asleep in the other room. She suggested that they have their son take a look at the dog.

Dogs are part of our every day experiences in home health. Fortunately, that’s the only one that died. Another nurse is known as our dog hater: she was walking up the front walk to a patient’s home when a pit bull came around the corner, lunged at her, and bit her on the boob. She had to have quite a few stitches as a result. This morning, she referred to herself as the only home health nurse she knows who has ever nursed a pit bull. Another round of laughter!

And then there’s one of the male nurses! It wasn’t his party but we decided to “roast” him anyway. He is the Mr. Blackwell, the fashion guy, of our office. If you’re having a bad hair day, or forgot to put on make-up, or made a bad wardrobe decision, He will cheerfully point it out to you. This morning, we all shared some of the things we have heard him say: “yes, your top is black, and your pants are black but, that doesn’t mean they go together!” Or “didn’t have time to fix our hair this morning?” Or, the ever-popular “WHAT were you thinking?”

Fortunately for him, he delivers his comments with a twinkle in his eye and a big smile, so we haven’t killed him yet. He has a sense of humor that won’t stop. His non-stop one-liners keep the office from becoming too serious. We love him and so do his patients!

As we got back to the business of taking care of patients, we were still smiling and laughing. The retiree was sitting at her desk, making phone calls to patients, and looking quite festive: we had decorated her hair with all the ribbons from her presents. And our Mr. Blackwell didn’t say anything about it!