Lost and Found.....

Sometimes, I get lost....

I can get lost in reading a book or sewing something, and lose track of time. Mostly, I let outside influences change my direction. And I end up lost.

Life has been busy lately. Several of my patients have been very sick and I worry about them. I call the physicians, get orders for things the patient needs, and then just sit and think about them. And worry. I know it does no good to worry but, I don't know how to stop. Sometimes.

My days off are a blur. There is so much to do and so little time. I spend time thinking about how much I have to do, and then the day is over and I have done nothing. Except fret. I know I should just get in and do something but, I don't.

Sometimes, I feel like I get lost in all the busy-ness at work. I want to stand on my desk and shout: “I'm here and I have something to say.....” but I don't know what to say. Besides, my desk would probably collapse and I would crash to the floor. Oh well, they'd notice me, huh?

Usually, when I get lost like this, there is something troubling me. Something I cannot stop thinking about. Something I don't want to talk about, much less look at. And, this afternoon, I think I figured out what it is.

I'm tired. I want more time to myself. Time to have fun. Time to explore my world and have great adventures. I think I need to retire. Alas, financially, that is next-to-impossible. Right now, anyway. I know it's not the right time, I just have trouble accepting it. That's all.

After thinking about it for awhile, I decided to spend some time on the treadmill. With my iPod blaring in my ears, I climbed on the exercising behemoth, attached the dead-man key, and took off....

Now, I happen to be one of those people who believes that things happen for a reason, so it's no surprise to me that I had an epiphany. Jogging on the treadmill, at a speed equivalent to a 20-minute mile, I realized where I am and who I am.

It's easy: I am where I am supposed to be and I am who I am supposed to be. Simple as that. I have a job to do and it isn't done yet. I have values, principles, interests, needs and desires and they are my compass. My passions. My calling. My life.

Now, I'd like to think that my cerebral gymnastics were all my own doing, and maybe they were. But, blasting away on my iPod was my friend, and longtime companion (musically speaking only), John Denver. I cannot listen to his music without thinking about where I have been and who I have been, in the past.

And I can't help thinking about his untimely death and how sad it made me. And I didn't even know him personally.

There was the key. The great thought. If I died today, would anybody notice? And the answer makes me smile: hell yes, they would notice! Who? It doesn't really matter, just know that they are there.

The point is: I have work to do. Things that I have started and haven't finished yet. Work projects that are important to me. Career accomplishments that are important to me. Besides, I love my work and I cannot imagine giving it up.

And, as only John Denver can, he gently reminded me that I have the most important things in life already. As the saying goes: the most important things in life.....aren't things.

So, jogging along this afternoon, singing along with John Denver, I found myself again. I rediscovered myself, and my life, and my work, and my family. Neatly placed in front of me, within my reach, by forces beyond my cognitive powers. And, you know what?

Sunshine always makes me high....