Cali 'Splains Politics.....

Caveat: I am not a political pundit. For two very good reasons: 1) I don’t like politics; and 2) I don’t know what a pundit is.

I do, however, understand politics quite well. I will ‘splain it to you so you can understand, too. I think it is important that we all understand how politics works. Oh, and the word “politics” is interchangeable with “government” “bureaucracy” and “hogwash.”

To make it easier for you to understand, I will present the facts (?) in definition form:

Politics: the catalyst that transformed “democracy” into “bureaucracy”. I am not sure of the chemical formula but I do know that hot air was involved.

Political Parties: most people think the two main political parties are the Democrats and the Republicans. Or Liberals and Conservatives. Or Donkeys and Elephants. Actually, I think they are all donkeys but, that’s just my opinion. No, political parties are where the government entertains itself and it usually involves booze and hookers.

Elected Representatives: these would be the hand-shaking, baby-kissers from last October. Some of them returned to oblivion. The rest just went away; they are the ones you elected. They are in Washington, attending political parties. You will probably never see them again.

Lobbyists: these are the people you don’t know, you don’t see, and you didn’t vote for. They run the government. Next time someone tells you to write to your congressman, do so. Ask him which lobbyist you need to contact to get things done.

Sub-Committees: these are smaller groups of legislators who gather together to get themselves on TV. The better known sub-committees, the ones with the money, get to be on C-SPAN, CNN, and MSNBC. Occasionally, a congressman will make the big time: Oprah.

Congressional Pay Raise: Once a year, I am called into my boss’s office for my “evaluation”. I am shown graphs and charts that demonstrate my “productivity” and then, guidelines that were used to determine my “Pay for Performance” raise. I wish I could just vote myself a pay raise. If Congress was evaluated the way I am, being in Congress would be volunteer work.

Legislation: a difficult topic to define. I will try to make it easy for you. Say you’re an elected representative, and you want to introduce legislation in Congress to improve something innocuous like, say, healthcare. Okay, your “legislation” is your healthcare reform bill. Let’s call that the boy rabbit. He is a good rabbit but, he is lonely. So, your friend, another elected representative, has a good idea for legislation, too. Let’s call it a girl rabbit. You help him, he helps you, so you put them together.

Unfortunately, by the time your boy rabbit, Bill, gets to the floor of Congress for a vote, you have, like, a million rabbits! And one of the little mutated rabbits is evil and sinister so, all those people pushing the “aye” or “nay” buttons push their “nay” buttons. And really push my buttons, too.

One of my buttons is Immigration Reform. Now, I ask you, if we don’t let “foreigners” in our country, who will pick the oranges? Or cotton? Or serve as nannies for our Congressmen? Besides, a very long time ago, someone named Francis Scott Key wrote our National Anthem. Does it, or does it not, start with:

“Jose, can you see?”

I hope this helps you! I have been thinking about it because I am going to the Inauguration Ball. It is in less than three weeks so, I hope I get my invitation soon! I am going to wear my red taffeta ball gown, my 4-inch stilettos, and, of course, my tee-ARRA. Look for me on CNN…….I’ll wave to you!